By Theodore Moore-And Stephanie Madubunyi-
A new psychological study has uncovered a surprising insight into how people perceive their relationships in the context of influence and power.
The research found that most individuals believe they have far less influence over their partners and friends than they actually do. The research, published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, suggests that people consistently underestimate their ability to shape the opinions, decisions, and emotional responses of those closest to them.
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The findings challenge common assumptions about power in relationships and point to a deeper psychological pattern driven by insecurity, self-protection, and social expectations. According to the study’s authors, recognizing this hidden influence could significantly improve communication and conflict resolution between romantic partners and friends. Amongst the objectives of the research is to establish whether people underestimate how much power they have in their personal relationships.
The research was led by psychologist Robert Körner from the University of Bamberg and co-authored with Nickola C. Overall. Their work explores a fundamental question in relationship psychology, that is whether people can accurately judge how much influence they truly have over the people in their lives.
In psychological terms, power in relationships does not necessarily mean domination or control. Instead, it refers to the perceived ability to influence mutual decisions and ensure that personal needs are met. Whether deciding where to live, how to spend time together, or how conflicts are resolved, power reflects how much sway one partner or friend has in shaping shared outcomes.
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Previous research has shown that individuals who feel powerless in relationships often experience a range of negative consequences. According to researchers, these can include reduced emotional well-being, lower relationship satisfaction, and a tendency to suppress personal needs. Researchers also say some may even resort to aggressive or manipulative behaviours in an attempt to regain a sense of control.
Also established by research is a relationship between mental well being and fulfilment in romantic relationships.
What remained unclear, however, was whether these problems arise because people genuinely lack influence or because they mistakenly believe they have little influence. The new study sought to answer this question by examining the difference between perceived power and actual influence.
“Our question was simple,” Körner explained in discussing the research. “Do people accurately assess how much power they have in their close relationships, or do they systematically misjudge their influence?”
Measuring real influence in relationships poses a unique challenge. While individuals can report how powerful they feel, only their partner or friend can truly report how much they are influenced by that person’s preferences and decisions. To address this problem, the researchers designed a study that compared both perspectives simultaneously.
The researchers analysed data from four different groups of participants, totalling 1,304 pairs of people—known in research as “dyads.” These pairs included friendship groups and romantic couples from Germany and New Zealand, providing a diverse sample of relationship types and durations.
Among them were 305 friendship pairs in Germany, 87 same-gender romantic couples, 481 heterosexual couples in Germany, and another 431 heterosexual couples in New Zealand. Participants ranged widely in age and had been in their relationships for anywhere from one month to several decades.
Each participant completed detailed surveys independently, without consulting their partner or friend. They rated their own perceived ability to influence their partner’s thoughts, preferences, and decisions. At the same time, their partners reported how much they actually felt influenced by the participant.
After comparing their responses, the researchers could determine whether people accurately understood their own influence within the relationship.
In order to analyse the results, the team used an advanced statistical method known as a “truth and bias model.” This approach allowed them to separate two different elements of perception: whether participants could correctly judge relative power compared to others, and whether they misjudged their overall level of influence.
The results revealed a striking and consistent pattern, which was that across all four samples—regardless of relationship type or country—participants underestimated their influence. Although individuals could generally tell whether they had more or less influence than others in the study, they systematically rated their own power lower than their partners reported. In other words, people believed they had less sway over their partners than they actually did.
The study also uncovered another psychological tendency known as “assumed similarity.” Participants frequently assumed that power in their relationships was equally shared, even when their partners reported feeling more influenced by them than the participants realized. This pattern suggests that individuals may naturally downplay their own influence as a way of maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict.
Evolutionary roots of the bias
The researchers believe this underestimation bias may have deep evolutionary roots. Their hypothesis is based on Error Management Theory, a framework suggesting that human cognition evolved to favour mistakes that are less costly for survival.
According to this theory, people are psychologically wired to make safer errors rather than riskier ones. In social relationships, overestimating one’s influence could lead to selfish behaviour, entitlement, or attempts to dominate a partner—actions that could ultimately damage or destroy the relationship.
Underestimating one’s influence, encourages caution, cooperation, and compromise, researchers say. evolutionary However, ever perspective, this is the safer mistake because it helps preserve important social bonds.
In other words, believing you have less power than you actually do may help keep relationships stable.
The study’s findings appear to support this idea. By assuming they have limited influence, individuals may be more motivated to maintain relationships carefully and avoid behaviours that could cause conflict or rejection.
While the tendency to underestimate power was widespread, the researchers found that certain personality traits made the bias significantly stronger.
Participants with high “self-protection motives”—such as attachment anxiety, jealousy, and low self-esteem—showed the most severe underestimation of their influence. These individuals are particularly sensitive to rejection and often fear that their needs will be ignored. Because of these insecurities, they may assume their opinions matter less than they truly do.
Another group that underestimated their influence strongly consisted of individuals with high “power motives.” These participants displayed personality traits associated with a desire for control and independence, including attachment avoidance and low empathy.
Paradoxically, people who strongly value autonomy often perceive themselves as having less influence within relationships. The researchers believe this may happen because these individuals view emotional dependence as a threat to their control. As a result, they may assume their partners are less responsive to them than they really are.
By contrast, individuals with strong “pro-relationship motives”—those who prioritized commitment and long-term partnership—showed a much smaller bias. Because these people view relationships as cooperative rather than competitive, they were better able to recognize their influence accurately.
Gender differences in perceived influence
The study also uncovered notable gender patterns. In heterosexual couples, men underestimated their influence significantly more than women. Men were particularly likely to underestimate their power in romantic relationships compared with platonic friendships.
The researchers suggest that this pattern may reflect cultural expectations surrounding masculinity. In many societies, men are expected to demonstrate consistent authority and independence. This pressure may make them highly sensitive to any perceived loss of control in intimate relationships.
As a result, men may be more prone to interpreting moments of compromise or dependence as signs of reduced influence—even when their partners feel strongly influenced by them.
Why recognizing hidden power matters
Understanding this psychological bias could have meaningful implications for everyday relationships.
When people believe they lack influence, they may feel frustrated, ignored, or powerless. These feelings can lead to unhealthy behaviorus, including withdrawal, manipulation, or aggression.
But if individuals recognize that their opinions already carry significant weight with their partners, they may feel more confident expressing their needs openly.
According to Körner, acknowledging this hidden influence could improve communication and reduce conflict in many relationships.
“People usually underestimate how much influence they have over their partners or friends,” he explained. “This tendency is even stronger among people who feel insecure or highly motivated by power. That matters because feeling low in power is linked to aggression, poorer relationship quality, and lower satisfaction.”
In other words, correcting this misperception could help people approach disagreements with greater trust and honesty.
Despite the strength of the findings, the researchers note several limitations. The study relied entirely on self-reported surveys, which means participants’ answers may have been influenced by mood, personal bias, or a desire to present themselves positively.
In addition, the research examined general feelings of influence rather than specific decision-making areas. People might accurately judge their power in practical matters—such as finances or household responsibilities—while still underestimating their emotional influence.
The samples were also drawn exclusively from Western countries, including Germany and New Zealand.
Therefore, cultural differences could play a significant role in how people perceive power in relationships. In collectivist cultures, where harmony and group cohesion are prioritized, individuals may downplay their influence even more strongly.
Future research may also explore how these perceptions function in workplaces, where formal hierarchies and professional roles could shape how individuals judge their influence over colleagues and supervisors.
The study ultimately highlights a subtle but powerful psychological dynamic shaping human relationships.
People often assume their voices carry less weight than they truly do. Yet friends and romantic partners may be far more responsive to their thoughts, needs, and emotions than they realize.
Recognizing that hidden influence could change the way people navigate disagreements, express vulnerabilities, and build trust. Rather than struggling for control or assuming powerlessness, individuals may find that their relationships already contain a deeper level of mutual influence than they ever expected.
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