By Tim Parsons-
Former Birmingham City star David Cotterill has spoken for the first time about mental health illness in football and his battle with depression.The 30-year-old, who played for Blues for more than three years before leaving in December 2017, made the shocking revelation in a candid interview with BBC Wales.
Depression in football is not common knowledge or a topic discussed in most circles. Football players earn a fortune and are expected to be on top of the world in their private lives, but such assumptions couldn’t be further from the truth if applied to all footballers. The account of Cotteril will shock many, but he makes a necessary revelation that depression is more widespread in the game of football than the public is aware of. The life of luxury, women, and fame that football brings is not as desirable as many would have thought once we listen to the story of Cotteril. The 30-year-old, who is currently without a club, came through the ranks at Ashton Gate before leaving for Wigan in 2006.
However, Lee Johnson brought the Wales international back to BS3 for 13 games in the January 2017 window as Cotterill helped the Robins to see off the threat of relegation. Cotteril told the tale of the mental struggles that accompanied a career of more than 400 games for Birmingham, Swansea, Sheffield United, Doncaster and Wigan, including 24 caps for his country. He also gave the shocking statement that this level of depression and mental illness is rife in football.
The Cardiff-born midfielder says he had no shortage of the material possessions many dream of: the cars, the house, the wages and the fulfilled boyhood ambition of playing in the Premier League and on the international stage. However, a depression and anxiety he has suffered since his schooldays had consumed his mind and greatly compromised his joy.
”When you’re around others the conversations are flowing and you tend to not have time to think about it, you’re looking forward to going out to train,” he told BBC Wales .
“But there would be times when I finished training and I couldn’t wait to go and lie in bed. I’d be there for hours.
“Particularly in the off-season, I’d just spend three or four days at a time not even eating, just thinking the worst things you can imagine and not actually sleeping at all.
They won’t tell the manager because they’re not going to jeopardise their place, they’re not going to jeopardise their earnings to look after their family, so they’re parking this to one side.
“I don’t think you can go to the manager or club and say, ‘by the way I’m not coming in today, I’m going to see a doctor because mentally I’m not feeling great’. It’s not possible.
Drink became a crutch, but it only, eventually, exacerbated the issues. A false sense of control built up into both rages and moments of clarity when he wanted it to end. Cotterill recalls: “In the early stages, I’d always have to go and have a drive where I would spend hours in the car and think a lot of bad things.
“I’ve searched for the easiest way to commit suicide. Then you think, how can you do that when you have children, a wife?
“You kind of then have a couple of days when you feel OK again, but it keeps repeating itself.”
Cotterill says he realised he was in “a dark place”, although neither team-mates nor managers would ever know, something he believes is part of both his and football’s problem with depression. In long periods on the road, he says plenty might have attempted conversations with him and “I wouldn’t be there” but, in general, he says they would also describe him as “one of the liveliest in the dressing room”
“Put it this way, if I went to a manager and said I’m struggling mentally, I need a break or I need a little bit of help, there’s no way he’s playing me on a Saturday or a Tuesday,” Cotterill says.
“He would say ‘he’s not mentally stable, he’s not mentally up for it’ – and my release was to go and play.
“I guarantee there’s footballers all over the country who feel this way. They won’t tell the manager because they’re not going to jeopardise their place, they’re not going to jeopardise their earnings to look after their family, so they’re parking this to one side.
“I don’t think you can go to the manager or club and say, ‘by the way I’m not coming in today, I’m going to see a doctor because mentally I’m not feeling great’. It’s not possible.”
Cotterill is thankful to his wife of two-and-a half years for making a big change to how he’s learned to cope with his mental illness, adding that “without her I probably wouldn’t be here today”. We can only Cotteril is able to overcome much of his depression, and not let it consume him for much longer. Depression is often a very difficult thing for many people to talk about.